Monday, October 5, 2009

sometimes, it's ok

i gave up. i dropped the basic photography class. i don't like to give up and so i was not giving myself permission to leave it because i told myself to hold on, it will get better. but everything that could go wrong keeps going wrong every single time. i fixed problems, and immediately new ones came up. when i noticed that i barely sleep, frequently walk around stressed and misty-eyed, convinced that the gods of photography are telling me "go away, stick to what you know," and most importantly that my thesis - which should be the center of my universe right now - is being neglected, i decided to put my foot down. i still have access to the photography department's equipment for the rest of the semester and will take and develop photographs that are funny and imperfect - just the way i like them - on my own time.


umama said...

You know what's best for you, but sorry you had to drop it! I know how disappointing it can be when you are really trying something! Good luck with all the other things going on though :0)

jen brown said...

I am still really upset with the photo department for not giving you the attention you clearly needed. Had I been there, we would have worked through this. If you move to Philadelphia after MICA (hah) you can be sure I'd help you, at Project Basho.
But it's true, dropping classes at MICA is always difficult, in knowing already that the hardest things there are often the most rewarding. But I stuck with a few too many classes which were not rewarding, and I finally, too, learned my senior year to drop a class when it needed to be dropped.

I hope that you do make use of your darkroom time, and don't let yourself become afraid of it. Get back on the horse!

yelena bryksenkova said...

thanks, jen. i am usually very independent, but i really needed extra help here. i tried to ask for it, verbally and by email, but the teacher didn't seem to fully understand my situation. and the other students in the class were not helpful, either. i felt like i was being purposefully ignored.

i want to be able to do photography - and i am glad i managed to pick up the basic skills - but i can't learn in such a stressful environment. i got mild anxiety in the darkroom when other people from my class were there and i couldn't do anything in front of them.